made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
