I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
