I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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