Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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