Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
