I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
