it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
