So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
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We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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