3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
