I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
