i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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