Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
