you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
