Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
