If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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