i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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