I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
