I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
