so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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