we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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