I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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