so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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