My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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