went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
