just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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