The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
