We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
