Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We had to coat check the pizza.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
