ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
