the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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