She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
