Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
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For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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