im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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