Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
