The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I AM VODKA MAN
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
