Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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