Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
