Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
