Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
