He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
