That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
