I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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