I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
