Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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