You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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