Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
