She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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