So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm having to shit out rocks
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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