Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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