Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
