Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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