Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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