Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
