Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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