Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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