did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
