Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
