had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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